• Olive


How often did I do things that were not only unnecessary but often harmful for me. Overthinking, trying to impress somebody, giving an unsolicited advice, judging. What did these actions lead to? You probably already know. I know these things were great teachers.

Why don’t I want to achieve anything any more? I used to. More often than not I just want to be. Thoughts and actions alone are not satisfying. Sometimes they just arise, and those are the ones I value. They feel natural and effortless. I don’t know what causes them to appear. I can’t predict or plan them. I’ve never been good at planning, but I used to think it was something I should learn to do. Although, my mood has always been too unstable for planning, and even when a plan worked out, I ended up realizing I didn’t want or need what I’d thought I did.

The effort drains me. It always has.

Inspired actions may sound like they should be some big ones. But for me they often are as simple as loading the washing machine or replying to a message. I’m either ready to do something or not. It may have something to do with my recently diagnosed cyclothymia, but I can’t be certain what it is, cause I’ve been this way since I can remember. Inspired actions is not what I like to call them, though, the effortless ones sound much better. Even though they may involve a lot of work, they don’t ever feel like work.

There’s another thing too. “Always be ready”. When I’m ready, everything becomes effortless. Is it possible to always be ready? And if yes, is it necessary?

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