• Olive

How I started doing things

For the longest time I had an impression that I had to do stuff a certain way. I felt like if I couldn’t, I was doing something wrong. The simple thing like journaling, for one. I never finished a notebook, cause what I wrote didn’t feel witty, or funny, or right (that’s cause I constantly changed my mind, still do ). The journal for me was supposed to be an inspiration, but it never felt like one. And just recently, when I started just writing, simply doing it for the sake of doing it, without any intention to make it perfect, I finished my first notebook. And out of nowhere it became what I had wanted it to be. The action for the process quickly became a habit and somewhere along the way I started noticing patters that I hadn’t seen before. I realized how my worldview changes according to my mood. Before I though that it was more stable, but through journaling I realized how differently I see things when I’m at peace and when I’m not (my mood sometimes changes drastically without any apparent reason, often only due to my thoughts). I wrote everything in there in any state of mind. So there’s some poetry from the dark times and I can clearly see how I felt and sometimes it’s hard to imagine it was me who actually felt that way. So by letting go of any expectations I got everything I needed and more. The same thing happened with meditation. I never got it, couldn’t do it, felt uncomfortable and didn’t enjoy it to the slightest. Only until I started doing it my way I started loving it and it became a routine. I realized the seemingly apparent thing: I can do it in any way I want if it makes me feel the way I want and I don’t have to struggle with it, cause I’d doesn’t make any sense. There’re no rules. And I’m really surprised I’m just realizing it now. I would think I trusted myself. I was absolutely positive I listened to my gut at all times. Apparently, not:)

What I adore about all that is the realization of how mistaken I can be. Cause realizing something, especially when it’s something that seems so simple is one if my favorite feelings.

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